#Paladin bond | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shsy7573 · 1 year ago

Text

Quiet

Part two, by shsy7573

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The next time they saw Lance was 12:00 the next day. He dragged himself from his room after much prompting from the team that it was really time for him to wake up.

He didn’t look like he’d slept for seven hours. In fact, he looked like he’d barely even slept one. But when they asked him if he was feeling alright he smiled and insisted he was fine.

Because he was. Totally and completely fine. He’d gotten out of bed, and he was only feeling slightly weighed down by the quiet that followed every sound. That roared in his ears every time he stopped to take a breath.

And sure, it’d taken him three hours to pull himself out of bed. But he was still feeling just fine.

They didn’t have to worry about him. He never wanted them to worry about him. These were Lance’ problems and he could deal with them on his own.

He was fine. Even though he could only stomach two mouthfuls of food goo. Even though he could barely focus during team training. Even though his body willed him to do anything but be a contributing member of society. Even as he felt the quiet creeping up, and up, and up through his veins. He was fine.

He was always fine.

It was 15:30 when Lance went in search of something to drown out the quiet. He made the usual rounds.

First Hunk. But Hunk was busy, and Lance didn’t want to bother him. He didn’t even ask.

Then Pidge. But Pidge was crabby and he didn’t want to annoy her. He slipped out as she cursed insults at her game.

Then he found Coran and Allura. But they were reminiscing about Altea and Lance didn’t want to intrude.

Then he spotted Shiro and Keith. They were having one of their teaching, bonding, brotherly moments. Lance didn’t even announce his presence.

And through it all Blue called out to him. Begging him to talk to her. To let her in. To tell someone about the heaviness, the despair, the loneliness. To talk to her about the quiet.

But Lance refused. It was one thing to find others to distract him from it. It was another to tell them about it. To spread it to them like a disease. To bring them down with his own stupid bullshit.

And Blue would have it even worse, because they shared a mind.

So he refused, and he retreated back to bed.

The next day came by fast. Probably because he slept through the rest of the last one.

His mind woke up at 6:00. Lance couldn’t drag his body out of bed until 10:30.

He put on some moisturiser. Threw on some clothes, and left his room. With his hands in his pockets, he walked down to the lounging area, where everyone was already in full conversation about something. He watched for a few moments, not quite feeling up to joining in on the antics.

And then someone noticed him.

“Lance!” Hunk rejoiced, “you’re awake! We missed you at breakfast again, buddy.”

“And dinner.” Pidge added grumpily

And Lance did what he always did. He smiled. He smiled and waved as he stepped into the realm of socialisation.

“Yeah, sorry. I must be coming down with something, I keep falling asleep,” he lied.

“Well hopefully it’s not too serious. We’ve got that big infiltration mission coming up soon,” Shiro proclaimed, walking over and pressing a hand to Lance’s forehead.

“I’m fine, Shiro,” Lance said, batting the hand away, “I promise.”

The Black Paladin furrowed his brow, “if you say so.”

“Just don’t get the rest of us sick,” Pidge muttered.

Lance lifted his hands in surrender, “I’ll try my best, Pidgeon.”

Shouldn’t be that hard considering I’m not really sick.

But that seemed to be the end of the conversation, and Lance was thankful for that.

Until another one started. “Have you eaten yet today?” Shiro asked.

Suddenly a ping of hunger stabbed Lance in the gut, and he was painfully aware of the fact that he hadn’t eaten much at all in the last give or take 48 hours. Let alone this morning. He just didn’t have the stomach for it.

He shoved his hands in his pocket. They were shaking.

“I… yes?” He lied. It didn’t sound very convincing. He’d blame it on the weariness of hunger.

“Lance, you need to eat.” Shiro said. Lance sighed, looking at his feet.

“Why don’t you come with me buddy. I’ll make you something really good. I know that goo stuff isn’t the best when you’re sick,” Hunk placated. Wrapping an arm around Lance’s shoulder and leading him away.

“K,” was all Lance was able to reply. As they walked the quiet thickened. As Hunk sat him down the quiet thickened. As he left to prepare the food the quiet roared, suffocating him. Choking him with its intoxicating will to just give in.

His hands were quivering badly now, and he felt himself sweating cold. Forgoing food for so long may not have been the best idea.

When Hunk presented him his dish, Lance forced himself to eat it semi-normally. He didn’t want Hunk to think he didn’t like it. He did. He loved it. And he was hungry. He just didn’t feel like eating.

But he did. And he told Hunk it was good, which it was. And he felt some of his strength returning.

When he stood up he didn’t feel as wobbly, and he smiled at Hunk as they went to locate the others again.

But still, between every footstep and every heartbeat and every inhale or exhale of breath it was there. It was too much. And Lance pushed onwards, spurring Hunk into a ramble about his culinary genius. The way Hunk’s eyes lit up as he explained his passion for food made the quiet duller. Its grip is weaker. Its edge duller.

And Lance smiled more warmly.

He carried on through the day with a cloud shrouding his view of the world. And he tried his best to ignore the quiet. To focus on the small sounds. To not let it consume him entirely.

He forced himself to train.

He forced himself to do castle chores so that he didn’t sit with idle hands. Alone with his thoughts.

He forced himself to stay up and eat with the team, before retiring to his bedroom for the rest of the night.

The next morning, he pried himself out of bed at 8:00. Going to breakfast and shovelling food into his mouth.

The team split up, and Lance found himself once again in search of companionship.

It went about as well as the last time he tried.

He barely made it to lunch before retreating to his room.

He barely managed to force himself out of bed to eat supper.

He didn’t stay awake long enough to partake in the team’s movie night.

The next few days felt pretty much the same. Some days he’d get up early and face the day with a smog over his brain. Some days he’d hide away as long as possible before he felt he’d worried the team enough. Some days he’d train. Some days he’d seek out others. Some days he’d show up to evening meals with the team, and some days he’d go to bed in the afternoon and not emerge again until morning.

And then the day of the mission came up, and he forced himself out of bed at 5:00. They were supposed to leave at 7:30, so he had two hours to get his shit together.

He splashed water on his face, performed his skincare routine, threw on his Paladin uniform and headed downstairs for breakfast with the team.

He forced lumps of food goo down his throat. Put on the same old act of cocky, goofy, slightly irritating, humorous Lance.

He got into Blue, insisting over and over again to his Lion that he was fine.

And at 7:30, they set off, and Lance's brain snapped into mission mode. The quiet receded to the outskirts of his mind. Still there, but not enough to cloud his judgement.

They approached the Galra base from its blind spot. Sneaking up in the cover of the blinding rays of a nearby star.

They’d planned this out for weeks. They knew exactly what to do. They landed on the rings of the planet next to the base. Keeping their lions in the blindspot of the sun. Then, they all piled into the Green Lion, and snuck right up close to the ship.

Pidge dropped off the Paladins, along with some BLIP tech and Galra scanners before flying back to the planet’s rings to monitor the Paladin’s progress from a safe distance.

Hunk and Shiro tackled the first floor, aiming to find the base’s prisoners and set them free. Meanwhile, Lance and Keith made their way as stealthily as possible to the control room.

They were proceeding cautiously through a long, empty corridor when Keith turned to Lance, both their mic’s off, and started talking.

“Has there been something going on with you lately?” He asked. Looking over his shoulder, before lowering his voice even more from the mutter it was at.

“No,” Lance replied, lying through his teeth, “why?”

“I just… you’re not around as often. You don’t talk as much. You just seem less… yourself.”

Lance rolled his eyes, “I told you all I was getting sick didn’t I?” He questioned. Suddenly grateful for that lie. “I just gotta wait for it to pass. You don’t have to worry. I’m not gonna compromise the mission.”

“That’s not what I—“

“You guys have incoming!” Pidge whispered through coms, and the two Paladins both ducked behind the pillars on each side of the wall.

They listened as marching footsteps slowly approached from the direction they’d been coming from.

Lance listened to the sound, holding up his fingers and slowly, silently counting down from three.

When his last finger fell, he and Keith both jumped out from behind their cover, catching the sentries by surprise and disabling their control panels before they could scream for help. Not that they could, really. They were robots.

Keith and Lance continued on, locating the control room not long after that.

“Okay,” Keith whispered in his ear, “you take out the two on the right, I’ve got the big one on the left.”

“Copy,” Lance responded. He manoeuvred himself into position, waiting for Keith to signal their go.

That went as well as the altercation before. They incapacitated their opponents easily —or, as easy as it was to fight the Galra— and Keith walked over and inserted a small flash drive-esk thing into the panel. Pidge talked Keith through the process of downloading Galra data while Lance kept watch.

And as he stood near the entrance, coast supposedly clear, he began to feel heavy again as quiet surrounded him.

His shoulders slumped and his eyes scanned the hallway lazily. Nothing. No footsteps. No eyes. No lights. Nothing to focus on.

He couldn’t turn his microphone back on. He knew he’d get distracted by what was happening. He had to stay focused. He couldn’t give in to the need for an out right now.

But as it turned out, the quiet was just as distracting as the others, because he didn’t even realise the blast heading for him until Pidge called over the coms.

“LANCE WATCH OUT—“

A beam collided directly with Lance’s shoulder, and he was sent careening backwards. He landed on his ass, and lifted his bayard to shoot down the hallway at the figures approaching.

“Lance? You good?!” Keith asked, turning around.

The Blue Paladin forced his way-too-heavy-for-the-motivation-he-had-right-now body to its feet, and continued shooting at their oppressors.

“Yeah, I’m good. Keep doing your computer-y thingy” He hissed, but in reality he could feel pain radiating through his shoulder.

He ignored it, sending more beams of blue energy towards the Galran centuries.

One good thing about this base: the entirety of its population were robots. The only biometric signatures on the ship were that of the prisoners.

A couple more well aimed shots and the robots were deactivated. Lance breathed heavily, lifting his free hand up to press his shoulder. He winced, biting back a yelp. Probably dislocated. He could deal with that later.

“You guys alright up there?” Asked Shiro over coms.

“We’re fine,” Lance replied, though his breathy voice wasn’t super convincing. “Just got into a little spat. How’s the prison break going?”

“Good.” Shiro reported. “We’re just loading the last of them onto the escape pods now.”

As if having perfect timing, Keith turned around, holding a disconnected chip in his hand. “Good, then we’ll all meet at our exit point at the same time.”

And they did.

As they all swarmed back into the hull of the Green Lion, Lance was aware of the quiet. Nobody spoke, concentrating on evading the many Galran ships that were now patrolling the base.

He couldn’t take it.

“So… that was close, huh?”

“Lance, shut up! I’m trying to focus!” Pidge spat as she veered out of the path of an energy beam.

His mood sank again, “right… sor- AGH!” he exclaimed in pain as they made a harsh turn, and his bad shoulder was rammed into Keith’s elbow.

Light danced on the edge of his vision as white hot pain radiated from the area.

“Lance?! Are you okay?” Kieth asked.

Lance nodded. Gritting his teeth against the pain as he raised a shaky, unstable finger to his lips, before pointing at Pidge.

Keith gave him an exasperated look, but was forced to stay silent as the lion veered right again and he fought to keep his footing.

“Just a couple more minutes guys! Then I can turn the cloaking back on!” Pidge said as she dodged out of the way of another ship.

The entire hull shook as the Green Lion was hit. Hunk gripped tightly onto the wall, grabbing Shiro with his other hand before they could be thrown forward. Keith caught himself on the back of Pidge’s chair.

Lance was not so lucky. He was sent sailing over the top of Pidge’s chair and right on top of her lap. This many people in a Lion’s cockpit was definitely not safe.

“Lance!” Pidge screamed, kicking at him as she struggled to keep Green under control. “Get the hell off me!”

Her foot shoved him to the ground, and he couldn’t help the scream that escaped as he landed on his dislocated shoulder.

“My Cub! Hurt!” Blue fretted. He could hear her concern.

No, Blue, it’s fine I— “FUCK!”

He screamed in pain again as the ship lurched back and his shoulder was sent ramming into the bottom of Pidge’s chair.

He was trying to get up, but with only one hand and the ship being jostled around like crazy he didn’t think he could.

“Danger! I will protect!”

Blue, no! Stay— he couldn’t keep a proper train of thought Pidge kicked him away again. He’d managed to stand up, but fell on top of her again as the ship barrel rolled.

“Lance, stay off me!” She spat as she steered the ship sideways.

Lance’s back slammed into the side of the cockpit. He felt dizzy and disoriented. He wasn’t even sure where he was.

“My Cub! I’m here!”

“Blue no!” He shouted, voice raw with pain. But it was too late. Blue raced past the Green Lion, blasting ice at the surrounding ships.

But there were too many of them. Too many for a pilotless lion to take on her own. Sure maybe if he had time to concentrate and guide her, but he could barely get out two words before being flown across the length of the Green Lion’s cockpit!

“What’s the Blue Lion doing here, Lance?! This wasn’t part of the plan!” Keith exclaimed. Very much panicking.

But Lance’s mind was fogged with pain and he couldn’t hear anything over the sound of Blue’s cries as she tried desperately to save them.

“Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!” Pidge exclaimed as now she was not only fighting to defend them, but Blue as well.

“Dammit! Blue! Get out of here, I’m fine!”

“No! Cub always say that! Not fine!”

“This time I am Blue, please! I promise! You’re just hurting yourself!”

“My Cub is hurt! I will protect! Hurt with you!”

“BLUE, DAMMIT I DON’T NEED—“

“LANCE, WHAT THE HELL’S GOING ON?!”

“There’s more of them!”

“We’re getting swarmed!”

“I can cloak now, but we need to get the Blue Lion out of here!”

“FUCKING HELL!” Lance screamed. He turned on his jet pack and finally, finally was able to right himself. Pain screamed down his entire arm and his head was pounding and despite all the yelling his head still felt so goddamn quiet!

“Pidge, line me up! I’m gonna eject over there and fly her myself!”

“You can’t! It’s too dangerous to go out there Lionless!”

“You got a better idea!”

“No, but that one’s stupid.”

“Well I am fucking stupid, so I don’t give a shit. Just do it!” Lance yelled. He didn’t leave much room for arguing as he made his way towards the ejection pad.

“Lance, I’m not doing it!”

“Pidge is right, it’s too dangerous!” Hunk agreed

“Lance, get your ass back here!” Keith demanded.

Lance hovered his hand over the eject button. “I’m gonna fucking press this, so if you want me to have a chance at surviving you’re gonna fucking line me up!”

Pidge let out a yell of anger, but she had no choice. She looped Green around, then aimed her towards the Blue Lion’s mouth.

Lance watched, waiting for the exact right moment.

“See you guys on the other side!” He yelled, ramming his hand down on the button and feeling his body being shot out into space.

For a couple, terrifying moments, he was surrounded by nothing but stars, Galra ship, and space lions. And then, Blue, in her desperation to save him, opened her mouth and collected him into her safe embrace. Sheltering him from the battle and from the screams of his friends who were 100% still arguing his decision despite it already being made.

Gritting his teeth as his shoulder pain intensified tenfold, he ran to his pilot chair, sat down, and began trying to get control of Blue.

“I made it!” He called over intercoms, barely caring to hear the response as he commanded Blue to action.

“Lance! Oh my god! When we get back to the ship I swear I am gonna fucking kill you!” Pidge screamed in his ear.

“Yeah well, let’s focus on getting back to the ship first, alright?!” Lance suggested, trying his best to dodge the fire of the Galra ships.

Pidge was screaming over coms, “how do you suggest we do that?!”

“You get cloaked and go to the other lions!”

“And leave you behind?!”

“I’ll be fine! I can evade long enough for everyone to get to their own lions and provide support! But none of us are gonna get out of here if you don’t hurry the fuck up!”

As if to reiterate his point, another shot landed on the Green Lion’s side.

Pidge growled in irritation, before responding. “Fine! Just don’t fucking die while I’m gone!”

And then the Green Lion disappeared, and Lance was all alone. It was just him, Blue, and the quiet.

And, of course, an entire Galra fighter fleet, but that's besides the point.

Lance was just starting to doubt that his plan would actually get him out of here alive when the rest of the Paladins returned with their lions.

He’d never been so happy to see the giant, metal, multicoloured lions in his life.

“Lance! Get out of there!” Keith yelled as he shot a fire beam towards some of the ships flanking Lance.

They fought together, and with all five of them, they managed to escape only slightly banged up and, by some miracle of the universe, alive.

Soon, the Galra base, as well as the ships, were out of sight.

And as they journeyed back to the castle, the quiet crept in once more. It settled over the static on the coms. Its presence the same as all the other times it had reared its ugly head. It was always the same. The same heavy feeling. The same unbearable silence. The same feeling of swimming through a river of molasses. Limbs heavy as the ocean.

“Lance.” Said someone over the coms as the Castle came into view. The tone was small, quiet. Lance wasn’t quite sure who it was, until they continued speaking and he recognised the familiar rasp of Keith’s voice. “That was… incredibly stupid.”

Lance didn’t reply for a moment. The quiet in the hull felt almost too difficult to penetrate with his own voice.

“I know.”

“You could have been killed.” Kieth continued.

“I know.”

Lance flew through the suffocating silence. His hands were definitely not shaking.

“Is your shoulder alright?”

“It’s fine.”

That was a lie. It hurt like hell, actually. But he wasn’t going to make the team worry any more. He hated it when they worried.

They returned to their hangars, and Lance forced himself out of the pilot seat. Slowly dragging himself down and out of Blue’s mouth onto the floor of the large room.

He commanded his feet to carry him towards the med bay. And was met halfway by the rest of the team. The very worried, very pissed off team.

He stopped as they appeared in the hallway before him, leaning on the wall as they made no move to let him by.

Pidge stalked forward first, face contorted was a mixture of concern, fear and anger. She punched him in the gut.

“What the hell was that! Fucking throwing yourself into space in the middle of a battle! Do you know how fucking idiotic that was!?! No- you know what- of course you do! You just get a kick out of giving us all a fucking heart attack, don’t you?! Fucking—“

And then she was hugging him. Wrapping her small arms around his body so tightly that he struggled to breath.

Lance couldn’t force himself to find humour in her fit, though. He was too strung out. His shoulder hurt, his brain felt like mush, the adrenaline of battle had subsided and, most importantly, he had fucking fucked up again. He had worried all of them so much. He had compromised the mission by not being able to keep his shit together, and tell Blue to stay the fuck where she was.

He couldn’t even bring himself to smile.

Shiro stepped forward and wrapped his arm around Lance’s very much shaking body.

“Why don’t we get you to a healing pod. We can talk about… all this after.”

Lance nodded mutely, and allowed himself to be guided silently to the med bay. The quiet clung to him like a wet blanket. No matter how many ways he twisted his mind, he just couldn’t pry it off him. He didn’t have the energy to try.

So, as he changed into the appropriate clothing for the healing pod, and stepped himself inside, Lance stopped fighting. He was going to be medically unconscious for at least half a varga, so he figured the quiet could have its way until then.

For now, Lance would let the quiet win.

Just until he had the energy to fight again.

Lance tipped forward as the healing pod slid open.

For a moment, he was free falling, and he didn’t have the energy nor the care to catch himself.

But then something else kept him upright.

The Blue Paladin looked up to see himself limp in the arms of Keith Kogane. For a moment, his mind didn’t register it. Didn’t register the vulnerability he was in. Didn’t care to do anything but stay there. Limp. Unmoving. Cold.

Quiet.

But then his senses caught up with him, and his face flushed, and he found his own feet supporting him as he pulled away.

“Keith?” He questioned, shocked.

And then he remembered.

“You—“ he looked behind Keith to the rest of the team, “you waited?”

“Of course we waited, Lance. We wanted to make sure you were okay.” Hunk said, coming forward and bringing Lance into his embrace.

“Oh… well, I’m fine.” Lance supplied, hugging Hunk back before pulling away again. The bitter cold fatigue of the healing pod coupled with the viper grip of the quiet as it coiled around him made him eager to push past whatever conversation they wanted to have and get to his room.

“Look, I know what I did was stupid, but there weren't a whole lot of options and I couldn’t get Blue under control until I was able to actually be in control. I’m sorry I scared you guys, but I knew what I was doing… mostly.”

His voice was flat. Monotone. Exhausted. It wasn’t Lance. Not like they were used to.

Shiro sighed, “It’s okay, Lance. I can tell you’re tired, and I’d rather not get into a whole lecture. How about we just let it go and move on, okay? I think that’s what’s best for everyone at this point.”

Lance nodded, very grateful despite his inability to express it. He couldn’t express anything right now. He was too cold. Too tired. Too numb.

He brushed past everyone, walking in a slow, mechanical gate all the way up to his room. He collapsed onto his bed, and curled up tightly in his assortment of blankets. Twisting his whole body between them until he felt every pocket of cool air snuffed out by their warm embrace.

The quiet made itself at home in the familiar confines of Lance’s bedroom. Lance didn’t give a shit.

He closed his eyes, ready to sleep off the events of the day, and move on with his life.

Sadly, he was aware that his brain wouldn’t allow him to just forget about it.

For now, though, it was nice to pretend that it could.

He got up at 8:30. And by up I mean up, out of bed, dressed. Lance was feeling stubborn today. Stubborn, and slightly terrified. He didn’t want to spend another day holed up in his room, with nothing but the quiet to keep him company. Because he hated the quiet. And even though moving through it was hard. Even though breathing in it seemed near impossible. He felt like he had to.

After yesterday, he had expected hostility. Irritation. Didn’t mean it didn’t hurt. Every time he said something, or made a joke, or tried to participate, the others would look at him disdainfully. They would barely allow him to interact. Their worry from the day before morphing into anger now that he was for sure okay.

But Lance was feeling stubborn today. So when mealtime ended he stayed with Hunk, who went to the engine room to tinker.

The clacking of metal and scraps comforted Lance. He picked up a small, miniscule object and began rolling it between his fingers.

“Hey Hunk, what is this? It’s kinda squishy.” Lance asked, and to demonstrate he squeezed his fingers a bit to feel the compression of the material.

“Lance don’t—!”

The ball exploded in a brilliant ray of multi-coloured paint. Splattering the stuff all over him, Hunk, and the workspace.

Lance sat there for a moment, then smiled. “Paint bomb! Cool!”

Apparently Hunk didn’t think it was cool. At least, not when it was… everywhere. “Listen, Lance. Maybe you can— I don’t know, go do something else.”

His voice wasn’t… aggresive, but it was curt. Sharp. On edge.

And Lance felt heavy again. His shoulders sagged, and he got to his feet. “Oh… yeah, sure thing, buddy.”

He shoved his hands in his pockets and walked out of the engine room. The quiet lulled around him. Thick and suffocating, like the smell of ax body spray. Lance shook his head. He pushed through it. Trying to force it to let up, but it stayed. In all it’s soul consuming glory, it stayed.

So he ignored it instead. It weighed him down, but he pretended it didn’t.

He found Pidge next. He was nervous to talk to her. She was scary when she was pissed. But his fear of the quiet outweighed his fear of being yelled at.

Yelling was better than silence.

Anything was better that the quiet.

“Hey, Pidge?” he questioned, walking over as she preformed a roundhouse kick on the video game they’d got from the space small.

“Not now, Lance. I’m busy. Whatever you need help with, get someone else to do it.”

Lance shook his head. “I don’t need and help. I was just… I was just wondering if I could chill with you for a bit.”

His voice was casual, but hopeful. He begged her to say yes. He needed her to say yes.

“I— I’m not really in the mood right now.” Pidge stated, he saw the movements on her controller falter.

“Oh…”

Pidge paused the game, turning around to apologise. To say she just wanted some alone time after yesterday. She didn’t mean to be snippy with him. She was still more worried than irritated. But Lance was already walking away. His posture slumped. Defeated. Dejected.

Pidge stared for a moment, then hesitantly went back to her game.

Lance found Coran next, but he was running a high intensity diagnostics test.

“Sorry, I just don’t think you’re, uh… skillset is required for this. I’m afraid you’ll only get in the way.”

Lance sighed, his eyes downcast. He knew what Coran really meant. That he was too stupid. Too much of a fuck up to be anything useful.

“K.” He murmured, before leaving the Altean to his work.

He missed the man’s guilty, worrisome gaze as Lance walked away.

With every rejection the quiet grew stronger. Like it was a butter churn, and each person who turned Lance away sent another stroke through the substance. Letting the silence cake in his lungs.

Then he found Shiro and Allura. They were talking in the control room. He walked in, straightening ever so slightly, but not making any more effort to conceal his misery.

He couldn’t.

“Hey guys.”

They didn’t even look at him.

“Feeling better, Lance?” Allura asked, though her voice was curt. Like she wanted to reprimand him instead.

“Mhm,” he hummed, but didn’t do much more.

“We’re just working on the castle’s defense systems. Trying to find ways to improve them. Coran is downstairs right now running a diagnostics test.” Shiro explained. Though Lance could guess he wanted to be able to focus.

Lance looked back down, dropping his shoulders again. “I just saw him. Suppose my skillset isn’t required here either.”

“Afraid not. Not to worry Lance, we’ve got this under control.” Allura assured, though she wasn’t paying much attention.

Lance figured he’d find no escape from the quiet here. In fact, this room felt more clogged with the stuff than the rest of the Castle. So, Lance hummed, turned, and left the team leaders to their business.

As he walked he found the mounting emptiness grow heavier, and heavier still. Lance struggled to breathe. He felt his eyes watering, but there was no outward emotion behind them. No screwing of the face. No sobs. Just misted eyes and he hauled himself down the Castle hallways.

He needed an escape. He couldn’t let himself be taken over. He didn’t want to. He hated this feeling. He hated the quiet. He didn’t want it!

So, when he found himself knocking on Keith’s door, I guess he shouldn’t have been so surprised. Normally he wouldn’t bother the Red Paladin if he was alone in his room. He hardly bothered anyone when they were alone in their rooms. But especially not Keith.

Lance needed some noise, though. He needed the quiet gone.

So he knocked.

And he heard Keith yell. Not hostile. Just prompting. “What?!”

Lance stood there for a moment or two, leaning on the wall beside the door, bracing himself against it. Then, finally, he managed to fight the quiet. Just enough to utter one word.

“Keith?”

His voice was dry. Exhaustion seeping through as he stared at the door.

Behind the door the Red Paladin sighed, “what do you want, Lance?!”

Lance didn’t have a concrete answer. He just needed a distraction. He needed to be away from the quiet. He needed something.

But he couldn’t tell that to Keith. And Lance was done with the lying. He couldn’t lie, and pretend he was fine. Not today.

He just didn’t have the energy.

So he didn’t answer. Instead, he diverted. Asking, “what’re you doing?”

“Why is that any of your buisness?!” Keith snapped. Lance could tell he hadn’t come any closer to the door.

Lance sighed, leaning his head against the wall. More tears filled his eyes, and in that moment, he was just…

Done.

He couldn’t do it anymore.

He could tell he wasn’t going to get anywhere with Keith and he was so tired of trying.

Of fighting.

Of pretending.

So he shoved himself off the wall and started walking away. He made the short trip to his room (and by short trip I really mean short. Like a metre or two), tears slipping from his eyes as he began to walk inside.

He heard the tell tale sign of a door opening behind him, but he didn’t care anymore. He didn’t even look back as he walked into his room and closed the door behind him.

The Blue Paladin flopped onto his bed and yanked his comforter around him.

He couldn’t do it anymore.

He was so sick of fighting.

The quiet was too much. He couldn’t get away from it. He never would.

Lance gave up. He was too tired. He fucking gave up.

And the quiet lunged in. Taking the hopelessness in his soul and milking it for everything it was worth.

Keith regretted his response immediately. He’d been in the middle of a good book. And I mean, a really good fucking book.

But even as the words left his mouth, he regretted them. He didn’t want to snap at Lance, it just… sort of happened.

Guilt churned in his gut as he heard Lance sigh. It was a heart wrenching sound. So full of despair, and Keith couldn’t stand it.

He shoved a bookmark between the pages before tossing the book aside. The Red Paladin stood up and hurried to the door.

He opened the door just in time to see Lance retreating into his bedroom.

“Lance?” He asked. But the door to the boy’s room was already closed.

Keith didn’t know what to do for a moment. He stood there, feeling awkward. Out of place. Of all the people on the team, Keith was pretty sure he was the least equipped to deal with social situations like this.

On the other hand, Lance had seemed so… defeated. So resigned. So sad. Keith hated it. He wanted to do nothing more than burst into Lance’s room and demand he be happy because dammit if anyone deserved it, Lance did!

Lance was their happiness. Their ray of sunshine. He was their shelter against all the threats this war faced. He was the roof over their heads. Shielding them from the rain and snow. Protecting them when the elements became too much to bare head on.

He mattered so much to Keith. So fucking much.

So Keith took a deep breath, bracing himself, and strode into the Blue Paladin’s bedroom.

What he saw was… shocking to say the least.

Lance was laid on his bed, wrapping his comforter around him burrito style as he stared blankly at the room. Tears slipped down his face, and he breathed slowly, but other than that he did not move.

Keith paused. The atmosphere in Lance’s room was heavy. Extremely heavy. And quiet. Way, way too quiet for the boy Keith hand grown to love.

No- not love.

…

Actually, yes. Love.

Fuck! Not now brain! Keith scolded himself, pushing past his momentary gay panic to the situation at hand. Even though he had no idea what to do.

“Lance?” He asked. The boy twitched, and he turned his bloodshot, teary eyes to Keith. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t get up. He didn’t move. Not the way Lance would move.

Keith began walking towards the bed, and Lance made no effort to stop him. “What’s… what’s going on?”

The Blue Paladin didn’t respond. He just looked away, turning his face ever so slightly away. Keith could see shame in his eyes, and he felt himself moving on autopilot.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here. You… can talk to me if you want,” Keith soothed, stepping toward and laying a hand on Lance’s shoulder. The boy looked back up at him with sad, pleading blue eyes. Keith could see it, the struggle twisted across his face as he tried to put some semblance of energy into speaking. But alas the boy seemed to not be able to find the strength, and Keith felt his heart breaking even more.

Keith knew that Lance was the type of person who found great comfort in physical contact. He was a hugger. The type of person to wrap his arms around somebody or lean against them as they sat next to each other. He was the type of person to show his affection by brushing hands as you passed them in the hallway, or placing a hand on your shoulder when someone seemed distressed.

So, that’s probably why Keith found himself crawling beneath Lance in his blanket burrito. He manoeuvred the comforter so that it still stayed tight around Lance, but allowed room for himself as well. Keith propped his body up against a pillow, and pulled Lance close against his chest.

The Blue Paladin turned his head into the warmth of Keith’s chest, his hands letting go of the blanket in favour of clutching the Red Paladin’s shirt. Keith found that he did not mind. It felt a little uncomfortable at first, but as Lance cried into his chest, the overwhelming need to comfort him overtook any other sensation Keith was feeling. The Half-Galra ran his hands through the team sharpshooter’s brunette hair in slow, soothing motions.

Lance seemed to relax as well. His whole body shuddered in, what Keith hoped, was relief as strong arms held him tight and close. Sheltering him from whatever had been weighing on his mind.

They stayed like that, silently drinking each other in, for a couple of minutes before Kieth heard Lance murmur softly into Keith’s shirt.

“Talk.” He pleaded. Gripping Keith tighter. As if he were afraid that the words would make Keith pull away.

Even though that was not Keith’s intentions, at all, he was still a little confused. “Talk? About?” He asked, keeping his voice quiet and soft.

“Anything.” Lance breathed. After a few moments he added in a much more desperate tone, “please?”

“Okay… why… don’t I tell you about the book I’m reading?” He asked. It was a question, he wasn’t sure if Lance would be interested in a topic like that.

But, Lance nodded slightly, not even making a jab at Keith for being a nerd. Keith took it as a yes. Whatever was bothering Lance, it must be pretty bad if he wasn’t even trying to make fun of Keith.

So Keith started talking.

“That’s what I was doing when you came by, you know. I kinda lose track of stuff when I’m reading sometimes.” He explained, before pushing on. “Anyways, it’s about this kid. He’s always been different from other kids. He’s got ADHD and dyslexia, and weird things always seem to happen that get him kicked out of schools. He’s got this cool mom and this deadbeat dad. But then his mom dies and he’s taken to this camp where he finds out his teacher is a centaur, the Greek gods are real and he is a demigod…”

Keith was sure he was being boring. Uninteresting. He was sure Lance didn’t care and he’d want Keith to talk about something else.

But, when Keith looked down he saw Lance peeking out from where his head was buried, just a little bit, to look up at Keith. He had relaxed even more now, and Keith took it as a good sign.

So he kept talking. Even when he was sure Lance was bored out of mind he kept talking. Because for whatever his rambling was worth, it seemed to help.

So he kept talking. Pushing away the silence with his words of grandeur, fantasy and adventure.

As he spoke, Lance’s presence seemed to become lighter. Happier. More like the Lance that Kieth had grown to love. The Lance, he realised, that he hadn’t seen much of in a long time.

That made Keith happy.

The more Keith spoke. The longer he laid there, running his long fingers through Lance’s hair, the farther away the quiet fled. Lance knew he had no idea how much he was helping, but the sharpshooter was grateful for him nonetheless.

When Keith’s narration of the novel he was reading came to an end, Lance was able to pull himself up, and drag himself off Keith’s lap. He unwrapped the comforter, and repositioned himself so that he was sitting beside Keith. His cheeks flushed a bit at the proximity, both now and previously. But he supposed he was kind of past the point of pulling away now.

He leaned against his companion’s shoulder as he spoke, “thank you, Keith. I…I needed that.”

Keith turned his head to him, and Lance felt sweat on his brow as the Red Paladin asked, “do you… wanna talk about it? You seemed… really upset.”

Lance wasn’t sure he wanted to. But… Keith was here. He’d seen Lance wrapped deep in the claws of the quiet… and he hadn’t run away. It hadn’t plagued him too. In fact, he’d made it go away.

So… maybe…

“You don’t have to. But you can… if you want.” Keith added as Lance pondered. The Red Paladin took Lance’s hand in his own. Lance wasn’t sure when Keith became so keen on physical contact, but he liked it. “I promise I’ll listen.”

Lance smiled, and apparently that was all the reassurance he needed.

He took a deep breath, resting his head on Keith’s shoulder. He wasn’t sure why, but it felt right. Being this close to Keith just felt… safe. Homey. Like he belonged there. “I… I don’t know how to explain it. I just… sometimes it’s just quiet. Too quiet. And heavy.”

He didn’t think he was making sense. But Keith listened regardless.

“And it’s like… it’s hard to do things. Like talk. Or move. Or just… function. And lately it’s been… I don’t know, it’s just been so much. And I just—“ his voice broke as tears filled his vision, but he carried on, “I keep trying to find people. Because hanging out with people usually makes it go away. But I haven’t been— it hasn’t— and then today I tried and…”

He whisked his tears away as Keith moved his arm around Lance and pulled him closer.

The Blue Paladin took a deep breath before continuing. “Today nobody wanted me around. And I just- I really needed— I didn’t want to be alone again. I didn’t want it to be quiet. I just needed someone but… but everyone kept telling me to go away and that made it so much worse.”

Lance was aware that he was shaking now. Keit’s grip tightened.

“And I just couldn’t… do it anymore. I was just so tired of pretending that I was okay. Of fighting to keep going despite how much I just wanted to stop. And I just couldn’t— I just wanted to give up and I couldn’t—“

He sobbed, and turned his head so that his face was buried in the soft, pale skin of Keith’s neck.

The hand returned in his hair, and Keith cooed at him softly.

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m here now. I’m not goin’ anywhere.”

Lance sobbed harder, and Keith let him.

He didn’t cry long. Most of his tears had already been spent, and also he just… didn’t need to. Having Keith here, it helped. He didn’t feel so alone in his mind. The world didn’t feel as chokingly silent.

It made the tears dry faster than they ever had before.

“Thank you Keith. For listening and… and for being here. I really didn’t… didn’t want to be alone anymore.”

“Of course. I’ll always be here for you, Lance. We all will. But…” he paused, unsure if this was the right thing to say. He shook off the hesitation, he had to know, “why didn’t you just tell us what was going on in the first place? You never had to be alone. We could have helped you.”

Lance shrugged, keeping his body situated comfortably against the Red Paladin. “I… I thought I could deal with my own problems. I didn’t want you guys to worry. I didn’t want to be a… a burden.”

Keith shook his head, “Lance, if you’re hurting, I want to be able to help. And I know the rest of the team feels the same. You can’t, — fuck— you can’t let yourself suffer all alone. Knowing that you’ve been struggling and I didn’t even know. I— it— it fucking hurts man.”

Lance sighed, but he didn’t reply. He wasn’t sure there was anything that needed to be said.

Keith sighed as well, letting his head lean against Lance’s.

“Just… promise me you’ll tell me when you’re feeling all… gloomy. No matter what I’m doing, I’ll help. And— and when you’re ready, I think you should tell the rest of the team. If I’m not here I want to know you’re gonna be okay.”

“I’d be okay.”

“No, Lance, I mean really okay! Not ‘I’m pushing through it and ignoring it so I’m fine’ okay!”

Lance wasn’t sure what to say to that.

“Promise me?” Keith pleaded, squeezing Lance’s hand tighter.

Wow, Keith begging was new. Lance didn’t think he could say no to it. So, feeling like he didn’t have much of a choice, he surrendered.

“Okay. I promise.”

“Thank you,” Keith breathed, his grip tightening again.

Lance, for the first time in a while, completely forgot what it was like for the world to be quiet. Lance relished the feeling. This feeling of complete and utter contempt. He knew it wouldn’t stay forever. He knew the quiet would return and he’d return to the daily battle of just existing in his own brain.

But the task didn’t feel as daunting anymore. Because Lance wasn’t fighting alone anymore. Laying in his bed, wrapped up in Keith’s warm embrace…

It was the farthest from the quiet than Lance had ever been.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

(Note: Did I shamelessly plug Percy Jackson into this fic? Yes. Do I also feel like it’s in character for Keith to relate to a book about kids not knowing who they are and feeling different their whole life only to find out they are NOT completely human? Also yes!)

31 notes · View notes

shsy7573 · 1 year ago

Text

Quiet

A Voltron fic by shsy7573

Description: Lance has always hated the quiet. It pulls him down, suffocating him in its grasp. He’s always trying to chase it away, but sometimes it’s power is just too much to bear. Sometimes, he just can’t get out of bed.

Info: Langst. Hurt/comfort. Original Paladins. Quiet as an analogy for depression. Depressed Lance. Lance and Blue bond.

Relationships: Klance. Not a focus but still there.

WARNING: depression, emotionally shutting down (it’s brief but it happens), cursing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There’s a kind of quiet.

Not the awkward kind that falls at the end of a conversation. Nor the comfortable kind that arises from being close to those you care about.

Not the kind bred by concentration, or the kind born from the fear that you are being watched.

It’s a heavy, solemn kind of quiet. One that settles deep, beyond the ordinary silence. One that reaches every crack and crevice in the wall. One that consumes the very space it takes up. One that makes the entire world feel like it’s made of jello. Like moving through it would drain every bit of energy in your body, and still leave you trapped in its woeful embrace.

Mostly it comes in the morning when you just wake up. Before you're ready to face the day with smiles and laughs and good humour. Often it comes when you're alone, away from all the distraction that the world can bring. Sometimes, it can come even when there’s noise. It can nestle in the back of your mind, pulling you away from the joy of sound. Back to the loneliness. Back to the quiet.

That kind of quiet… once it comes, it’s hard to shake.

But Lance tries. Every day he tries. Tries to ignore the numbing silence. To ignore the echoing in the back of his head, calling him back to the land without noise. He fights it with a struggle, the kind that only exists on the inside, and rarely ever leaks through to his outer features. And if it ever does, he’s careful to ensure that he’s entirely alone.

That’s where he is right now. It’s early morning, and he’s certain everyone else is already up. But he hasn’t quite found the strength yet. Hasn’t quite been able to will his limbs to move. To break free of the quiet.

He will. He always does. Sometimes it’s easy. Like brushing off dust. But there are days where it’s hard to even want to try. Days like today.

So he lays there, eyes open, body still, staring at the ceiling. Building his energy. Silently wishing that maybe today, despite the rough start, would be okay.

There’s a knock on his door, and though the quiet stirs, it does not dissipate. Not even as Allura begins to speak from the other side.

“Lance, are you awake?! You know the team is flight training today. You’d better get up soon or else you won’t be ready.”

Lance didn’t respond for a few moments. His brain didn’t want to fight today. Didn’t want to try.

But he had to. He always had to.

Counting down from five, he pushed himself up. Past the quiet. Past the emptiness.

“Yeah, I’m up.” He said, forcing his vocal cords to work. “I’ll be out in five!” He promised, forcing his body into motion.

He didn’t want to. Every movement left his body screaming in protest. Begging to go back to the quiet.

That was the thing. Despite all the ill will he felt towards it, the quiet was addicting. Intoxicating. Every day it taunted him with its existence, coaxing him with its easiness. How good would it feel to just let go? To just give in to the quiet? To not have to fight anymore?

But, Lance had a job to do, and he’d already put it off long enough today.

And just as promised, he emerged from his sleeping quarters in exactly five minutes. Skin exfoliated, clothes neat, and, most importantly, a smile on his face. After all, you’re never fully dressed without one.

When he made it to the kitchen, he was greeted with a snarky, but lighthearted remark from Pidge. “Looks like sleeping beauty decided to emerge.”

Lance grinned wider, “aw, Pidgeon, of you missed my presence that much you can just say so!”

His only reply was a playful eye roll from the Green Paladin. He took that as a good sign. If Pidge was in a good mood, maybe they’d have a good day.

He shovelled his breakfast down as quickly as possible, hating the idea of making the others wait for him.

“Lance, slow down. You’re gonna give yourself a stomach ache!” Hunk instructed, ever the worry wart.

“It’s fine, Hunk. All that sleep worked up my appetite.”

Coran poked his head into the kitchen. “Alright Paladins— oh, Lance, you’re awake! Good morning!”

“Morning Coran!”

The Altean smiled, then cleared his throat. “Anyways, as I was saying. Training room will be ready in ten minutes!”

Lance’s heart jolted. How long had he been in his room? They were supposed to start training at noon!

“Quiznak!” He spat, realising he was the only one out of uniform. He shoved the half eaten plate of food away, standing up abruptly and nearly tripping over the chair as he made to leave.

“Wh- Lance, you’re not done eating!” Hunk complained. Lance realised his mistake, Hunk had gone through the trouble of making him food and Lance hadn’t even finished it. But there wasn’t time. He had ten minutes to get changed.

“Sorry Hunk, food was great, but I’m not super hungry right now.”

“You just said you were starving!” Hunk argued.

Quiznak! “Well I- I’m not now! I gotta get ready.”

“Lance, we can wait for you to finish eating. We’re not in that big a hurry to train.” Pidge said, her tone dry, but her words comforting. Typical Pidge.

Lance paused for a moment, gaze flickering back to the plate. He was still hungry, but… making them wait? He couldn’t. He was late getting up, he had to deal with the consequences.

“It’s fine. I won’t be long, promise!” He said, before turning and bolting out of his room.

“Paladin should eat,” A voice echoed in his mind. Blue. Lance smiled.

It’s fine Bluey, I can eat after training.

“Hungry now. Can wait.”

No, no waiting. Besides, hunger can be my motivation.

There was no response, but he could tell Blue was not happy with that answer. Still, he was happy she wasn’t arguing. He’d take the win.

—

Nine and a half minutes later, Lance was bolting from his room to the training deck.

I’m gonna be late, I’m gonna be late, I’m gonna be late—

His panic was disrupted as he ran full speed into something, falling head over heels and landing in a heap on the floor. Something shifted underneath him, and Lance quickly moved, trying to see what he’d run into.

Or rather, who. His heart stopped as he saw none other than Keith Kogane, one hand cradling his head where Lance’s elbow had landed, and one pushing himself into a sitting position. His black mullet draped over his face and his eyes blazed with anger.

“Fuck, Lance, watch where you’re going!” The Half-Galran spat.

The Blue Paladin shot to his feet, grabbing Keith and helping him to his feet. “Shit! Sorry!”

“What the hell were you running that fast for anyway?” The Red Paladin asked anger subsiding as he recovered from the shock of being barreled into.

Lance’s eyes widened and he looked at the time displayed on the inside of his helmet. “I’m- we’re late for training! What are you doing? Shouldn’t you already be there?!”

“I was on my way when someone ran into me!”

Lance was hardly listening.

“Quiznak!” He hissed, grabbing Keith’s wrist and practically yanking him down the hall. He was running a little slower than before, but not much.

“Hey, what gives!”

“We’re late! Allura’s gonna give me so much shit if she finds out we’re both late ‘cause of me!”

Keith regained his footing and began to run more comfortably beside Lance, falling just a little bit behind. Lance’s hand was still around his wrist, but the Blue Paladin seemed to be too distracted to notice.

“Lance, chill the fuck out! It’s one minute, I don’t think anyone’s gonna care!”

Once again, the Blue Paladin didn’t respond as they burst through the doors of the training deck.

“Sorry we’re late!” Lance exclaimed as he yanked a very confused, mildly irritated Keith through the door.

Shiro, Pidge and Hunk all looked over, startled by the abrupt entrance.

Shiro smiled, “it’s fine Lance, you’re not late. But, now that you’re both here, we can get started.”

Lance begged to differ, but Shiro’s words brought his heart rate down to a semi-regular level.

“Be calm, Cub.”

He took a deep breath, and allowed his shoulders to relax. He felt a slight weight in his grip, and looked down to realise he was still holding Keith by the wrist. Turning red, Lance let go and pulled his hand away. “Sorry!” He said.

The Red Paladin rubbed his wrist, but for the most part didn’t seem too upset. “It’s fine.”

If Lance didn’t know any better, he’d say he saw a bit of pink flush in Keith’s ears.

Before Lance could linger on it, Shiro started talking, drawing both Paladin’s attention to the centre of the training deck.

“Alright guys, regular warm-up routine. Coran’s set the training levels back to the appropriate mode from yesterday’s training so we don’t have to worry about that. Once we’re done we’ll head to our Lions for some flight training.”

Everyone nodded, and they fell into the familiar pattern of their warm-up routine.

Lance sighed as the rest of his panic slowly ebbed.

Maybe today wouldn’t be so bad afterall.

They finished flight training at about 13:50 Lion Castle Time (Lance was dubbing it LCT). So, considering they’d begun warmups at 12:00, they’d been going pretty hard for just under two hours.

Lance was feeling it. As comfy as the pilot seat in Blue was, sitting there with his hands clamped over the controls for that long would make anyone’s joints cramp up.

It didn’t help that halfway through his hunger began making itself extremely obvious. The distractor nearly sent them all into a tailspin multiple times.

By now, his body was just… numb. He was aware of the aches, but he couldn’t feel them.

Once again the quiet crept into his brain. Intruding on the fringes, threatening to take over completely.

Lance pushed himself out of the pilot’s seat.

Can’t believe I fucked that up. What the fuck is wrong with me!

“Cub is distressed.”

Lance sighed as he pulled his helmet off. “It’s okay Blue, I’m fine.”

The Blue Lion grumbled in response. A show of disbelief.

“Need help. Sad.”

“I don’t need help, Bluey. Promise. I’m fine. I can handle it.”

He knew she didn’t believe him but he kept walking, and she didn’t push.

Lance had planned to go back to his room. To take off his armour, lay in his bed and rest.

But… he knew if he did that the quiet would come back. It would feed on his failure and coax him deeper into its hold. It would bury inside him like a parasite, latching on so tight it would be hard to shake.

He didn’t think he could bear that right now.

So, once he changed out of his armour, he went in search of someone to keep him company. Someone to keep his mind active. Some sound to keep the quiet at bay.

First he went to Hunk. He always went to Hunk. Hunk was always down to hang out, to talk. Hunk was easy and big-hearted and he was Lance’s best friend. Hunk cared more about Lance than what Lance had to offer.

But, as it turns out, Hunk was preoccupied.

Lance had checked the Yellow Paladin’s sleeping chambers and the kitchen before he finally made his way down to the engine room.

And there was Hunk. But… there also was Pidge and Coran.

But hey, maybe they could use an extra hand. Or just someone to fire ideas at. Lance wasn’t a tech wizz, but he prided himself on being creative.

Besides, the more voices to keep the quiet at bay, the better. Right?

“Hey guys!” He said, walking over, “need any help?”

Hunk smiled. That made Lance happy. Hunk was always glad to see him. “Oh, hey Lance! No, I think we’re good, but you can stay here if you want.”

Lance inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. Being around his friends always made the quiet easier to bear.

“Just don't touch anything. This is a very important process and I don’t need you messing anything else up today.” Pidge said. Immediately she regretted her word choice.

The Green Paladin swung around in her chair just in time to see Lance force the look of hurt off his face.

“I- I mean… I didn’t mean it like—“ she tried, starting to apologise.

But Lance smiled and cut her off, “it’s fine Pidge, I understand. Don’t worry, I’m aware of how particular you are about people touching your little projects.”

Pidge furrowed her eyebrows for a moment, but she couldn’t resist. Lance smiled as she took the bait.

“They’re not little projects! They are important scientific inventions!”

Hook, line and sinker.

Lance raised his hands in surrender. “Right, right. Sorry. Your important scientific inventions.”

Inside, they hurt. Pidge’s words. It was like a punch in the gut. But… seeing Pidge looking so guilty almost hurt worse. He hated it when his friends were upset.

Besides, seeing Pidge being so characteristically Pidge made the hurt go away as quickly as it had come. The quiet roared in protest, but it couldn’t do shit to fight against the endearing nerdish-ness that was Pidge Holt.

He stayed with them for a while. Asking questions about what they were doing, and asking Coran specifically about how the project would help them. He knew it was something they were making in regards to a diplomatic mission, and Coran always knew best about those types of things.

Eventually, though, when he leaned a little too close and fell off the unstable stool he was sitting on, Pidge shooed him out. They were getting to the delicate part of the project, and if Lance’s body was in the mood for being a wrecking ball she didn’t want him anywhere near the project.

He understood. He really did. Last thing he wanted was to trip and ruin the whole thing and make everyone upset.

But the second the door to the engine room closed, the quiet returned. Thick and suffocating. And with it, a tiny voice in the back of his mind.

They just don’t want your bothersome ass around. Asking dumb questions and distracting them from getting anything done.

Lance told his brain to shove off.

Still though, he wasn't sure he was in the mood to have some quality time with the quiet. And he didn’t think he could hold it off on his own. So he went in search of someone else.

At first he’d planned to go find Shiro. At the very least their leader would have a good story or two to share about his time at the Garrison. Or maybe some tips on how Lance could improve. Shiro loved to teach.

But, fate had other plans as he ran into Allura with her hands spilling over with a mass of books and scrolls.

“Woah!” He exclaimed, reaching forward and catching the top of the pile as it threatened to fall over.

Lance peered behind the Altean Princess to see a trail of paper and books leading down the hallway. He smiled and looked back to Allura, “need some help?”

“Yes! Thank you, Lance.” She gasped, all but shoving some of the pile into his hands. The Blue Paladin stumbled slightly, before regaining his footing and holding the books more securely. He could see that Allura looked a lot more comfortable.

Lance walked beside her as they headed for the Castle’s library. “What exactly are you doing with all this stuff anyways?”

Allura sighed, “you know we’re going to Smagdul tomorrow to try and get their planet incorporated into the Alliance. I was just trying to catch up a bit on all their customs, specifically how they expect royalty to act…” Her voice trailed off as she looked at the stacks of information in both her and Lance’s hands, before looked back down the hall where she’d dropped things.

“I… had not been aware there was so much.”

Lance laughed, and Allura let out a reluctant chuckle, before they continued down the hall.

“Listen, Princess. If we want these people to trust us, you should be acting more like Altean royalty, than Smagdulian royalty. Sure knowing their customs is good, but at the end of the day it’s an alliance. That means both sides are learning from and accepting of each other. How can they trust us if we’re not being ourselves?”

Allura was silent for a moment, and Lance quickly filled in nervously. “Of course, that’s just my opinion. You’re the expert though, being the princess and all.”

She shook her head, “no, you make a good point. Relationships go both ways, it can’t just be us trying to win their favour. We must show them who Voltron is, not what Voltron they may like.”

Lanc smiled, he’d actually said something right.

“Though, maybe do some work on your flying skills before we go. If today’s training was anything to go by,” Allura teased. Despite the lighthearted nature, Lance’s heart twisted.

He did not reply, and the two carried on in silence the rest of the way to the library. Despite the princess being right there, the quiet felt even more prevalent in the depths of his mind.

Once they’d slotted everything away, Allura sent him off.

Still fearing the idea of being alone right now, he continued on looking for his original target. It wasn’t long until he found the leader of Voltron down in Black’s hanger, sitting there in contemplation.

“Shiro?” He asked, standing by the entrance. He didn’t want to just walk in if Shiro was busy. Had it been anyone else, sure. But Shiro? His hero? He’d show a little more class.

Not that it matters after the training debacle.

“Lance,” Shiro said, looking at The Blue Paladin, “is something wrong?”

Lance realised his thoughts must have shown on his face, and he quickly steeled himself with a smile.

“Nope, everything’s fine. Just wondering what you’re up to…” Lance said, still standing by the entrance, albeit a little awkwardly.

Shiro smiled, and gestured for Lance to come over. He spoke as the Blue Paladin made his way towards him. “I was just trying to connect more with Black. I find our bond easier to tune into when I’m closer to her.” He explained, watching as Lance sat down next to him.

“Really?” Lance asked. Suddenly he was aware of Blue purring in the back of his mind. “You can’t just… feel her, all the time?”

Shiro shrugged, “A little, if I really concentrate.” He replied, pausing for a moment before continuing curiously. “Why? Can you?”

Lance turned red at the question and looked away. He didn’t want to make Shiro look bad, but he also didn’t want to lie.

“Oh, I- uh- I mean… kinda?” His voice was riddled with uncertainty, but when he looked back at Shiro, the man looked… proud.

“That’s really impressive, Lance. You and her must be really close then.”

Lance blushed and turned his eyes to his hands, which had begun fidgeting. “I uh… I guess.”

Shiro shifted, turning his body so that it was facing Lance more. Apparently this conversation had seriously peaked the man’s interest.

“What else?”

Lance looked up again, tilting his head in confusion. “What else… what?”

“What else can your bond do? What’s it like?”

Lance stared at Shiro for a moment, trying to think, before shrugging. “I dunno… She's nice, really nice. I can tell she cares about me. And… I can tell our connection has grown a lot since I first met her. At least, I think it has. She’s always telling me to take care of myself, and she’s always making sure I’m okay. She calls me her Cub.”

Blue’s purring grew louder the more he spoke, and a warm smile broke across his face. Brighter and happier than his usual one.

Shiro looked impressed, and surprised. “Wait, she can talk to you? With actual words?”

Lance smiled wider and nodded, “mhm. It started a couple of weeks ago. At first our communication was just flashes and images and feelings, but recently I’ve been able to hear her voice. It's deep, motherly. It feels warm and sunny, like the beach. And it’s always calm. I don’t think I’ve ever heard her raise her voice. It feels like…” he paused for a moment, trying to find the word to describe her, “it feels like home.”

Shiro listened deeply to Lance’s words. The Blue Paladin could tell. He’d seen the same look in his eyes whenever he listened to Keith, or Pidge or Allura. When they explained missions or reasoning, or when they told him their concerns or doubts. But never, not in a million years, had that look ever been reserved for Lance.

Probably because he never shut up. Probably because he was annoyed by Lance. Probably because Lance never had anything worthwhile to say.

The quiet hummed, but Lance pushed it away.

Because right now… right now Shiro was paying attention. Shiro cared about him. Shiro was impressed by him.

“That’s amazing, Lance. I don’t think any of the others have as close a bond with their lions that you have with Blue. That took a lot of work, and I’m proud of you.”

Lance beamed at the praise. Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god

This was the moment he’d always dreamed about. His moment with Shiro.

And then Lance’s stomach rumbled.

And he was reminded of the fact that he had barely eaten anything all day.

And Shiro’s expression changed. Lance didn’t look long enough to see what it changed to, but he saw that it changed.

“Have you eaten? Since before training?”

Lance bit his lip, and he began to fidget with his hands again. He wasn’t aware that he’d stopped, but he started again.

“I… not… in theory.” He murmured. Shiro put his hand on Lance’s shoulder.

“You should eat something. You barely had half of your breakfast this morning. If the Galra attack we’ll need you at full strength.”

Lance sighed. The quiet in his brain returned as the pride dissipated. For a moment, for one glorious moment, he’d been important. He’d been Lance: the one with an unrivalled bond with his lion. Lance: the person the others could look up to for something.

But he should have known it wouldn’t last. Now he was back to Lance: the fuck up. Lance: the one who can’t do anything right. Lance: the one holding them back. Lance: the disappointment.

The Blue Paladin stood up, not bothering to look at Shiro as he came down from the momentary high. His brain crashing down into the grasping hands of the quiet, faster than he had time to fight it. Faster that he had time to push it away.

“Right,” he murmured softly as he turned away, “sorry.”

And with that, Lance walked away. Away from his hero. Away from the hangar. Away from the disappointment.

And try as he might to shake it, as he walked away, the quiet clung tight. Wrapping its arms around him, and making his whole body feel like it was made of lead. It dragged him down, trying to pull him to his knees. Trying to get him to stop fighting.

And Lance didn’t feel hungry anymore. He didn’t feel anything.

He didn’t feel anything other than numb. Numb. Cold. And quiet.

He didn’t go to the kitchen. If someone was there, he’d only spread his misery to them. They didn’t need to deal with his problems. They didn’t need the quiet too.

So he went to his room, closed the door, and collapsed onto his bed.

He wouldn’t emerge until the next morning.

—It was 12:46. Lance had been awake for three hours, but he had not moved from his bed. If yesterday’s quiet had been jello, then today’s was fucking tar pitch.

He knew they landed on Smagdul in less than an hour. He knew all of Voltron had to be present. He knew they had to strengthen the alliance.

But he just… couldn’t get out of bed. Couldn’t force himself past the quiet. Hunk had come knocking at 9:00. Then again at 10:30. Then Pidge slammed her fist on the door at 11:00 and yelled at him to get up. Then Allura had swung by at 12:00. Shiro had just been by about twenty minutes ago. Telling him that he had to get up soon. That they had to prepare. That they needed his help.

And he felt horrible. He felt so fucking horrible that he was leaving them to make all the preparations themselves. But he couldn’t. He just couldn’t do it. His body refused to respond. His brain felt slow and suffocated and oxygen deprived. And he just wanted to lay there forever, to let the quiet take him. Let it consume him because no way he’d be able to fight it off this time.

He knew his lack of strength, in part, was due to the fact that he hadn’t eaten in over twenty four hours. He didn’t care. He could stay here a little longer.

Apparently, though, Keith was tired of waiting.

He burst through the door with no regards to the privacy of the Paladin inside and stalked over to the bed with a purpose.

Very aggressively, he grabbed Lance by the collar, and yanked him up.

“That’s it, you’re getting your ass out of bed right now! I don’t care if I have to drag you to the kitchen, it’s time to wake up!”

The action and close proximity to Keith seemed to be what finally spurred Lance into motion. And by spurred, I mean he found the energy to slowly and lethargically pull himself away from Keith.

“Okay, okay. Fucking Quiznak, keep your shirt on.” He muttered, rubbing his eyes as his body struggled to fight off the rest of the quiet.

Keith stood back, arms crossed as Lance gathered himself. The Paladin in question ran a hand through brunette hair and blinked multiple times before he seemed to gather himself. His posture grew straighter, and he placed a suggestive hand on his hip, looking Keith up and down questioningly.

“So… you just gonna watch me get dressed, or…?”

Keith stiffened immediately, his cheeks growing red. “I- Wh- no! Just- of course I’m not! I just- fucking-“

Lance started laughing, and it only made Keith grow angrier. “You’re the worst! Just get dressed!”

The Red Paladin stormed out of the room, leaving Lance alone again with the quiet.

Making his limbs move to dress and undress took more effort than Lance would like to admit, and it took him twenty minutes to do the bare minimum of his usual morning care routine. When he finally emerged, eyes glazed and shoulder slumped, Keith cocked an eyebrow.

“What took you so long? Did you fall asleep again? It doesn’t look like you did shit!”

Lance hardly heard him. “You… waited out here?”

Once again, Lance could swear he saw Keith’s ears turn pink.

“Yeah, so what?”

Lance shrugged, he could feel his face flushing a little. “I- n- nothing I guess.”

Keith nodded before turning, “come on, let’s get you fed.”

Lance was too tired to argue that he could feed himself. He was half afraid that if he pushed Keith away he’d find himself back in bed, unable to move.

As opposed to right now where I can barely move? He asked himself.

“Paladin okay?” The soft, comforting voice of Blue spoke in his mind. He smiled, even though he knew she couldn’t see him and it wouldn’t do shit to dispel her worry.

I’m fine, Blue. Just a little tired.

“My Cub. Sad. I’m here.”

Lance sighed, thanks Blue. But I’m okay.

He forced himself to tune back into reality as he and Keith reached the kitchen. There was already a bowl waiting for him. Nothing fancy like the other day, just space goo.

Lance sat down, pulling the bowl closer and staring at it for a moment. Despite the knowing hunger in his chest, he had no appetite. He wasn’t sure if he’d be able to stomach eating anything.

“Eat, Cub.”

Slowly, he lowered his spoon to the bowl. Small bites, he told himself. He began to slowly and mechanically lift the spoon from the bowl to his mouth. Swallow. Repeat. His stomach turned as he forced the food inside him, yet at the same time it thanked him. After about the third repetition of the cycle, Keith interrupted his mantra of I got this.

“Are you okay, Lance?”

The Blue Paladin looked up to see Keith’s brows knitted with concern. Lance looked back down to find his hands shaking slightly. That coupled with the slow movements probably didn’t help his case as he grinned.

“Yeah, I’m good. Just… I think it’s a little too early for space goo.”

“It’s 13:00.”

“Early for me.”

“You’ve been awake for like, twenty minutes now.”

“So what?”

“We have to get going, we’ll be arriving soon.” Keith’s voice rose an octave

“Nobody ever said you had to stay here.” Lance matched his tone.

Keith sighed in exasperation. Still though, it seemed he refused to leave. Lance took it as a win.

After a few more minutes of forceful mouthfuls, he gave up. He’d finished about a quarter of the bowl, and he figured that was plenty for now.

“Alright, that’s enough of that. Let’s get to the control room.”

Keith glared, “but you didn’t finish.”

“I finished enough,” Lance replied, dumping the rest of the space goo into the garbage, before discarding the dishes in the sink.

“Lance—“ the Red Paladin started, reaching out a halting hand.

“It’s fine, Keith. The others are probably all waiting for us.” The sharpshooter insisted, pushing past Keith and starting down the hall. After a few moments of resistance, the boy followed.

The team arrived on Smagdul at exactly 13:27. Lance was not anyone’s favourite person, but they had decided to put their irritations aside in the face of diplomacy. Lance figured that the best way to get through the day without much trouble would be for him to sit down, shut up, and smile.

So that’s what he did. He only spoke when spoken to. When they were invited into the town hall by the Smagduns, he didn’t comment that the place looked like an overly glorified tennis court. When one of the aliens complimented him on his looks, he didn’t try to flirt with them.

Lance was being good. He was being agreeable.

But every moment he stayed silent was a moment the quiet spent spreading through his veins. His smiles at the citizens became less joyful. His laughter at their jokes became less contagious. His retelling of Voltron’s stories of grandeur (which he only gave at the request of the Smagduns) became less passionate.

By the time Voltron was invited outside into the town square for more festivities, Lance could feel himself starting to drown. He was losing his edge. Losing his grip on the joy. Sinking deeper and deeper into the quiet despite the exploding sounds of joy echoing around him.

And then the music started playing.

Bright, lively, and loud music. Music that breathed energy into all those who listened. Music whose vibrations sent a shockwave of life into the bodies of those who felt it.

And even though they were a million light years away, it reminded him of home.

It wasn’t the same, not by a long shot. It didn’t have the beat of the bongo drums or the rhythm of the claves. But it had energy. It had life. It had meaning. It wasn’t just sound, it was alive.

Even as he felt the quiet lift, the life returned to his body, he was careful not to cross any lines. He believed himself still to be on thin ice with his comrades, and even though this music made him want to dance more than anything. Even though he wanted to just let loose and embrace the Cuban heritage that he’d been missing so much, he held himself back.

He watched and participated as the Smagduns showed Voltron their way of dancing. He allowed them to spin him and guide him and show him their ways and held back every fibre of his being that wanted to embrace the music in his own way.

Somehow, he found himself in a group with the other Paladins, Allura and Coran. Trapped in the middle of the eccentric chaos.

“Hey, Lance!” Hunk called over the noise, he seemed to be having the time of his life. “This kinda sounds like the stuff you’re always listening to, doesn’t it!”

“It does!” Lance responded, happy that at least he wasn’t going crazy in thinking the aliens’ music was similar.

“Paladin has music?” Said a voice from beside Lance. He looked down to see a young Smagdun looking up at him curiously, squished between him and Hunk’s legs. He backed up a little to let the alien have some room. Which, apparently, was an invitation for a couple other Smagduns to join the circle.

Hunk smiled, “oh yeah! Lance was always trying to show me how to dance to Cuban music back home.”

This seemed to peak the aliens’ interest. “You dance?!” Asked the child. “Show!”

Lance suddenly grew awkward as everyone stared at him. “I- uh- I couldn’t.”

“Dance! Show us!” Said another Smagdun, pulling his arm towards an empty space in the crowd.

Lance tried to shake them off. “I- I wouldn’t want to impose,” he said, looking back at the Paladins. He didn’t want to make them angry. He’d done that enough today.

“No impose! Want to see!”

“Dance!”

“Please!”

“Show!”

Lance looked around frantically as different aliens tried to coax him to do what he so desperately wanted to do. Sweat formed on his forehead, and he felt his heart rate increasing.

“Yeah, come on Lance! Show us what you got!” Pidge said.

He looked at her, really looked at her. At all of them. They looked curious, happy. Like they wanted him to.

“I… are you sure?” He asked. “I wouldn’t want to step on anyone’s toes.”

Allura smiled. “It’s alright, Lance. Remember, these relationships go both ways.”

Lance stared for a moment, before cracking a reluctant smile. “Oh… okay then.” He looked around, then grabbed the little Smagdun child.

All night he’d been holding back. Keeping it in. Forcing his feet to stay the course of ‘good little Lance who won’t get in anyone’s way.’

But now, finally, Lance had permission to let go.

And it felt so good!

His feet fell into motion and he flung the Smagdun child around in the traditional way of his heritage. She screamed and laughed in delight as he helped her through the motions. She was beaming, he was smiling. When he dared look around he saw small crowd gathering, clearly intrigued by the unfamiliar movements and patterns. But they didn’t seem angry, so Lance kept on. It felt so natural, so right. And Lance felt happier than he had in days. For the first time, the quiet was nothing but a mild itch at the corners of his mind. Drowned out by the life of the party, and the soul of the music.

When the song finally ended, Lance broke away, laughing and smiling and oh so happy.

He saw the small Smagdun running around and talking in excited sentences about how she had got to do the Paladin’s Dance.

His joy was only lifted as a lanky, grey skinned Smagdun stood atop a podium at the far end of the square, projecting his voice for all to hear.

“Paladins of Voltron and citizens of Smagdun. It is with the greatest honour that I, King Julxi of Smagdul, declare that our planet will join the fight against the Galra. We see the true passion for a cause and the goodness in the hearts of you visitors, and we vow to assist you in any way we can!”

An eruption of cheers sounded from the crowd. It moved in waves as Smagduns began embracing each other, and the Paladins.

“And now, in celebration of our alliance, let us all head to the Sun Hall! It’s time to feast!”

The inside, though, was even more spectacular. The ground was a mix of soft grass on the outside and around the tables, and soft white sand creating pathways for the citizens to set their feet. Big, glowing vines draped down the walls and under the tables, and the ceiling the was made up of a clear, glass substance, allowing the sunlight to filter in and scatter the hall with rainbow lighting.

The tables were long, with rounded ends and intricate carvings etched into their dark wooden surfaces. Clear, glistening tablecloths draped over them, decorated with the most beautifully coloured stones Lance had ever seen. Pots of small, glowing trees were placed evenly along the centre of each table, and white polished stones sat on each table, indicating where everyone was to sit.

A smaller table sat at the far end of the hall, and Lance soon found out that it was a spot reserved for the royal family of Smagdul, and the inhabitants of the Castle of Lions.

The Blue Paladin was seated between Keith and Shiro, Pidge sitting across from him. Hunk was across from Keith, Coran was across from Shiro, and Allura sat next to Coran.

Dinner was served, and Lance had to refrain himself from gorging too much. He definitely was not about to give away that he’d hardly eaten anything in the past two days, but he could feel Keith’s eyes on him curiously. He hoped that his desire to eat now quelled any worry the Red Paladin may have had for him.

The last thing he needed was to worry anyone.

Lance chose to forgo his earlier status of ‘sit down, shut up.” The others seemed to have moved past this morning’s close call to lateness, and he was grateful for the chance to really loosen his tongue.

He remained respectful but he also joked and teased and just tried to live in the moment.

Nobody seemed to mind.

The quiet receded further. It had no place here.

They partied until the late hours of the night. It would have gone longer, but Allura insisted they get to bed and get some rest before the next day arrived. Paladins couldn’t afford to have sleepless nights.

The next morning, Lance woke up easily, the quiet barely a mist. He pushed himself out of bed, performed his full morning routine, and headed to breakfast.

“Paladin happy. Good.” Blue purred, and Lance was glad she wasn’t worrying for once.

“You’re up early. I’d have thought you’d be sleeping in again after being up so late,” Shiro commented as Lance entered the kitchen, a pip in his stem.

Lance shrugged, “guess my body’s still excited from everything. I couldn’t make it sleep anymore if I wanted to!”

And it was true. He’d woken up tired, tried to fall back to sleep, only to find his mind buzzing too much for it to do any good.

“That’s good to hear. We’re doing hand-to-hand training today, so I figure you’ll need the extra boost.”

Lance faltered. Hand-to-hand? I suck at hand-to-hand.

“Paladin Okay?”

Lance shook his thoughts aside. He was not gonna let a little training wreck his mood.

I’m good Blue. Only one way to get better, right?

He smiled and winked at Shiro, “guess I better fuel up then!” He commented, dispensing a bowl of food goo for himself, and eating it with none of the qualms he experienced yesterday.

The others filed in, each looking shocked to see Lance up before them. It seemed everyone was in a better mood than usual thanks to last night. Even Keith, who Lance was half sure was allergic to mornings.

They had a nice breakfast, went to get changed, then started training. They finished the warm up, and paired off into sparring partners.

Lance was paired with Keith. Shiro with Pidge. Hunk watched and would tag in once someone got tired.

It went okay for the first half an hour or so. Pidge tagged out after the first ten minutes, and Lance waited for her to catch her breath fully before he decided to take a water break as well.

Lance had just felt his heart rate begin to normalise when Keith tapped out.

He walked up to the Pidgeon, feeling rested enough. They fell into an even sparring pace. Each getting a fairly even amount of hits and blocks in. He was glad for that. Keith had been nowhere near Lance’s skill level, and he hated watching the Red Paladin force himself to slow down for Lance's sake.

They were just getting into their grove when something went wrong.

Something always went wrong.

Lance stepped forward to send a strike to Pidge’s chin. She stepped back, but stumbled. Lance tried to catch her but instead he just pushed her more aggressively onto the floor, and Pidge screamed.

Okay, maybe not screamed. It was more of a yelp of pain. But Lance recoiled from the sound all the same.

“What happened?!” Shiro asked, coming over from where he’d been resting near the bench.

“I- I don’t, I didn’t- she-“ Lance was panicking. He’d hurt her. He’d fucking hurt her.

Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit.

“My footing was poor and I fell. I think I hurt my ankle.” Pidge explained, sitting up and pulling her knee up to her chest so she could get a better look at the ankle in question.

“I’m sorry!” Lance exclaimed, “I didn’t mean to.”

“Its okay, Lance. It wasn’t your fault. But we should probably get you to a healing pod, Pidge. Even if it’s just a sprain, I’d rather you at full strength.”

Lance, guilt-ridden, terrified Lance, offered his support instantly. “I’ll carry you!” He exclaimed, scooping up the little Gremlin before she had time to protest.

Which she did anyway.

“What the- hey! Lance! It’s not that bad! I can walk by myself! Put me down!”

Lance did no such thing as he carted her out of the training room bridal style, Pidge very obviously struggling to find her way to the ground. Lance gripped tighter.

This was his fault. If she’d been with someone more experienced maybe they would have seen her poor footing. Maybe they would have corrected her before she had a chance to hurt herself. Maybe they would have been able to catch her and not push her and make the whole thing worse!

But no, she’d been stuck with Lance. Stupid, clumsy, incompetent Lance, and she’d gotten hurt.

He had to fix her.

“It’s okay Pidge, just a couple minutes in here and you’ll be fine!” He assured, setting Pidge down outside the pod and starting to push her in.

“I could’ve walked here myse—“ she was cut off as the pod closed.

Coran had joined them, and he quickly typed the scan commands into the pod, before standing back and waiting. When the results popped up, he smiled.

“Only a sprain, and not even a bad one. You were right, it should only take about ten minutes.”

Lance was glad. Glad it wasn’t serious. Glad he hadn’t fucked up too badly.

“Not your fault.” Blue said. But her stubborn Paladin wouldn’t listen. He never did.

“Why don’t you head back to the training deck and tell everyone.” Coran asked, but it was less of a request and more of a prompting.

“Sure… okay,” Lance murmured. But he didn’t move for a couple seconds. He felt heavy again. But Coran had told him to do something, so he pushed past it. He turned and headed out of the med bay and completely missed the look of concern the older Altean man was giving him.

The quiet stayed. It found its holding again and pushed in, clinging like a stubborn eyelash.

A couple hours of sweet relief, but now it was back to the norm.

Lance hated the norm.

Once training wrapped up about half an hour later, Lance went to Pidge’s room. Even a short amount of time in the healing pod had side-effects on the body, and he had no doubt she’d retreated to her room to recover from the cold sleepiness it brought.

Willing the castle to be quiet, Lance opened the door. Instead of with a wish, the door rolled slowly open to allow Lance inside.

The room was dimly lit, and Lance began to scour the floor for loose, dirty clothes. Pidge didn’t always clean up after herself, she oftentimes got busy with projects. So, Lance figured doing her laundry for her would be a nice way to make it up to her.

Sadly, though, she wasn’t asleep like he’d anticipated.

“What are you doing?” Pidge asked, and Lance nearly jumped out of his skin.

“Pidge! Y-you’re awake?”

“Yeah, I wasn’t in the pod that long. Now answer my question, dummy. What the fuck are you doing with my clothes.”

Lance bit his lip, setting the basket he’d been putting them in on the floor.

“I… I thought I’d do your laundry for you.”

Pidge cocked an eyebrow, “why?”

“T- uh- you know. To make up for hurting you.” He said, nodding at her ankle.

The Green Paladin sat up, adjusting her glasses on her face as her expression changed from sceptical to soft.

“You didn’t hurt me, dumbass. I tripped.”

“I pushed you though! I pushed you and that’s what got your ankle all screwed up.”

Pidge narrowed her eyes. She always was one to rise to the challenge of an argument. She spat back, voice raising, “it’s not like you meant to do that! You were trying to help me!”

“Yeah and I just made it worse!”

“Why are you so hung up over this? it was just an accident!” Pidge questioned, throwing her hands in the air.

Lance was silent for a moment before he murmured: “I don’t like seeing you hurt because of me.”

Pidge sighed. “Lance...” she replied, standing up and walking over to the Blue Paladin. She wrapped her arms around his body, pulling him into a hug, “it’s not because of you. I don’t blame you, okay? And I’m fine now. You don’t have to worry.”

Lance stiffened for a moment, before relaxing and returning the embrace. “Thanks Pidgeon.”

For a beat, there was quiet. Not the quiet, though it was still there. A comfortable, silent, and happy quiet.

And then: “I’m still gonna do your laundry, though.”

“Oh, fuck yeah you are, ‘cause I’m sure not gonna do it.”

They laughed and pulled out of the hug.

Lance gathered up the rest of her clothing as Pidge returned to her bed. As he was going to leave, Pidge called out, “hey Lance!”

He turned back, curious.

“Thanks… for checking on me.”

Lance smiled. “Anytime, Pidgeon.”

And then he was gone, the door closing behind him.

That morning the quiet was back. Not to the extent it had been the night before Smagdul, but also not nearly as light as the night after it.

It was 9:00 when Lance first opened his eyes, and 9:30 when he managed to finally pull himself out of bed.

It was 10:00 when he felt presentable enough to make his way down to breakfast. The sound of laughter echoed through the hallway as he approached the kitchen, and the quiet tightened its grip.

“Cub sad. Lonely. I’m here.” Blue prompted, her soft, sandy tone swishing through his head.

I’m fine, Blue. Thanks anyway. I love you.

“Don’t hide. Love you.”

Despite the advice, Lance plastered a smile on his face as he entered the kitchen.

Everything seemed… normal. Happy. Content. But Lance suddenly felt out of place. Sometimes the quiet made him feel a crushing sense of separation that kept him from connecting with the moment. This… wasn’t that, but it wasn’t too far off.

He sat down and joked, and laughed, and teased. But it was as if his body was on autopilot as his mind found it difficult to care.

They didn’t have anything planned for the day. So when breakfast was finished, Lance found himself drifting back into the quiet.

So, like always, when the quiet loomed too close for comfort, Lance went out in search of some noise.

Hunk first, as usual. He found the boy in the pantry, even though they’d just had breakfast he was looking for supplies so he could bake. Lance liked to help Hunk bake, so he offered up his services.

Hunk, as always, agreed.

They worked in silence, but the clattering of pots and pans kept the quiet at bay.

And then Lance dropped a whole packet of some sort of pale yellow altean powder on the counter.

“Quiznak, sorry!”

But Hunk said it was fine. There was more.

And then Lance knocked the empty mixer on the floor with his elbow.

But Hunk told it it wasn’t a big deal, there was nothing in it.

And then Lance nearly dropped the pan with all the batter in it, just barely saving it in time before it splattered all over the kitchen.

And Hunk told him it was probably best he find something else to do. Nothing against Lance, but with the stuff in the oven there wasn’t much for Lance to do.

The Blue Paladin saw right through the lie. Shoulders slumping, he sighed. “Okay, sorry about all that. See you around man.”

He left the kitchen, and the quiet of the hallway was too much to bear. It sunk into his skin and threatened to drag him to his knees. It made him want to gasp for air despite the fact that he was on land and breathing just fine.

So he sought out Pidge.

They had a nice moment last night. Maybe she was in the mood to talk.

When he found Pidge, she was in the control room, doing something on her computer. Allura was there too.

“Hey guys, what’re you up to?”

Allura turned to him as Pidge kept working. “Pidge is trying to get through the firewalls on a nearby Galra base.”

Lance blinked, “oh… I don’t suppose I could help with that?”

“Afraid not, even I’m not much help right now.”

Lance nodded, and he stood there awkwardly for a moment as Allura turned back to Pidge. “How long have you been at it?”

“A few hours.” Allura responded.

“Have you taken any breaks?”

“Not really, there hasn’t been time.”

“Do you want me to go get you guys some water?”

“No, Lance, it’s fine. I can get some when we need it.” Allura assured.

“You sure, because I—“

“Lance, look, we’re very busy right now. Can you go annoy someone else!” Allura snapped, apparently whatever patience she’d been maintaining running thin.

Lance’s heart sunk, and the silence that followed stretched dug into his heart like a thorn.

“Come on, Allura, he’s just trying to help.” Pidge said, turning away from her work for the first time to look at Lance with sympathetic eyes.

Lance shook his head and smiled. “No, it’s fine, you’re busy and I’m being a nuisance. Allura’s right, I’ll go.”

Without another word, he turned and left the room. Acutely aware of Pidge calling after him.

He continued down the hall. The quiet mounting was even thicker than it had been this morning. He had to do something. He had to stop it. He didn’t want it lingering around. What could he do? Who hadn’t he seen today?

Coran! He decided happily. Coran’s always in the mood to chat! I’ll go find him!

When he found the Altean, though, he was in the middle of a rather heated game of cards. His opponent: Shiro.

“You’re lying! I know you’re lying! I can- I can see it in your eyes! Give me that four!” The Altean screeched, and Lance could practically see the steam coming out of his ears.

Lance looked at the pairs of cards littered across the ground, then back to Coran’s heated expression.

“Are… you guys playing ‘Go Fish’?”

“Yes we are! And Shiro won’t give me his four!”

“That’s because I don’t have a four, Coran. Go Fish.” Shiro commented, seeming exasperated. Like this had already happened multiple times.

Lance smiled, “you guys mind if I watch?”

Shiro shook his head. “Better not. Coran might throw something at you for ‘sneezing bad luck all over his cards’”

Lance frowned, but neither man noticed as they got into another spat.

It would be entertaining if he wasn’t certain that that had been Shiro’s way of telling him to shove off.

He sighed, hung his head and left.

He’d have to find his sound somewhere else.

But the only other person who either wasn’t busy (to his knowledge), or that he hadn’t annoyed yet today was…

Keith.

Lance’s face flushed. Spending alone time with Keith? The idea sent butterflies through his stomach.

But, as fate would have it, just as the idea of the Red Paladin popped into his head, he heard a yell of frustration coming from the training deck.

Curiously, Lance opened the door to find Keith sparring with the gladiator. Deciding it was as good a distraction as any, he silently slipped inside.

Lance sat on the viewing deck, watching as Keith exchanged blow after blow with the gladiator. When Lance walked in Keith appeared to be losing, but as the fight went on he quickly gained the upper hand. It wasn’t long until the robot had been immobilised, and the training sequence ended.

Deciding to be nice, Lance grabbed Keith’s water bottle, where he had left it with the rest of his stuff on the viewing deck, and made his way down.

“That was pretty good, especially for you, mullet.” He commented, tossing the water bottle at the Half-Galran, who promptly caught it.

“What’s that supposed to mean, ‘especially for me,’” Kieth questioned, unscrewing the bottle and taking a few sips.

“Come on, you and I both know swordplay isn’t your strong suit,” Lance teased. He was very obviously being sarcastic.

Luckily, in their time in space, Keith had learned how to pick up on Lance’s sarcasm. He rolled his eyes. “What do you want, Lance?”

His tone was sharp. Impatient. It made the quiet in between the words all the more unbearable to experience.

“I… I dunno. Just heard you in here and figured I’d see what you’re doin’.” He said. His voice was less certain as it had been a few moments ago. Not a lot, but Keith noticed.

“Oh.. well, did you wanna join me?” He offered.

Lance shrugged, “I’m not in uniform.”

Keith nodded, looking Lance up and down. “Well… we don’t have to do any of the drone stuff. We can just spar.”

Lance scoffed, “you sure you wanna do that? Last time I sparred I broke Pidge’s ankle.”

And held you back.

Keith rolled his eyes, “you didn’t break Pidge’s ankle. It was a sprain, and it was an accident.”

“Still means I’m dangerous,” Lance quipped, and Keith laughed, shrinking his bayard back to its normal form before removing his helmet, and setting both items down.

“I think I’ll manage.”

He beckoned Lance forward, and the sharpshooter figured that was the end of him having any say in the matter. He approached Keith, and the two raised their fists, getting into starting position.

Lance felt awkward as they began. He could feel Keith holding back, and he tried not to let that distract him. It wasn’t a mandatory training session, he didn’t have to match pace with anyone. Not that he ever did match pace with Keith, but—

His train of thought was distracted as his feet were swept from under him.

“You’re distracted,” Keith panted, pulling him back up, “what’re you thinking about.”

They started in on each other again, and Lance huffed, “nothing! I’m not distracted.”

And yet he felt his mind drifting. The quiet pulling him down.

“Really?” Keith questioned, and within a second he had Lance on the ground again.

“Usually you can put up a little more of a fight than that. Something’s bothering you,” the Red Paladin stated, holding Lance on the ground for a second. Forcing him to gaze up into his deep violet eyes.

Lance shook his head, manoeuvring himself so that he worked out of Keith’s grip, and back to his feet. “It's nothing. I’m fine.”

“Lance-“ the Half-Galra prompted, standing up, but Lance went back in close and whatever Keith was about to say got lost as he went on the defensive.

A few seconds later, Keith judo flipped Lance over his shoulder. So much for being on the defensive.

“It’s like you’re not even trying!” Keith commented, looking down to where Lance laid flat on his back, huffing.

The quiet returned. He’d tried to expel it through movement, through sound, through battle.

But it always came back. And suddenly he didn’t feel like fighting anymore. He didn’t feel like forcing Keith to go easy, to pull himself back. He didn’t feel like disappointing him with his lacklustre performance.

He pulled himself to his feet.

“Sorry, you came here to train and I’m not giving you much of a challenge. I’ll get out of your hair, mullet,” Lance sighed, turning and walking away as he did so.

“Lance, I’m not—“

But Lance wasn’t listening to him, and he was out the door before Keith could even finish what he was trying to say.

“Come, My Cub. You are troubled. Let me in.”

Lance shook his head.

I’m fine, Blue.

“Not fine. I’m here. Help you.”

No, you deal with me enough, I don’t need to bother you with this too.

“Not a bother, My Cub. I want to.”

It’s okay, Blue. I can handle this on my own. I just need to be alone for a bit.

“No alone. Need friends.”

I’ll be fine, Blue. You don’t have to worry.

“Worry.”

Don’t. I just need to let this pass.

She purred, her worry and warmth a comfort against the cold, bitter quiet.

But even she couldn’t stop it as Lance allowed it to drag him to his room. To drop him onto his bed, and to curl around him like campfire smoke. Tainting him with its smog.

It called to him, and this time he let it. Wrapping his blankets tightly around him and allowing the quiet to take hold.

He couldn’t shake it. And eventually, it guided him to sleep.

Lance was woken up by a rapping on his door, “time for supper, Lance!”

He didn’t move, and quiet settled back into the emptiness of the room. Reaching to the deepest corners and holding the area in an encasement of its own design.

“Lance?”

The boy in question was faintly aware of the door swishing open. He closed his eyes, feigning sleep. It wasn’t hard, considering he’d barely just woken up, and his body still felt like bricks.

“Oh…” he heard the small, quiet voice of Hunk. “Sorry buddy.” The door slid closed again, and Lance didn’t move. He just opened his eyes and stared at the blankness of his room.

The quiet settled deeper, and Lance didn’t even try to shake it.

“Where’s Lance?” Allura asked as she sat down.

“I went to go get him, but he was asleep. I didn’t want to wake him up.”

Shiro nodded, “that was smart. This is probably the very little amount of sleep he got on Smagdul catching up to him. We can bring him something later.”

They all nodded, and settled in to eat.

It was weird how quiet their meals were without the Blue Paladin to break the silence.

-The next time they saw Lance was 12:00 the next day. He dragged himself from his room after much prompting from the team that it was really time for him to wake up.